this is the only place i feel comfortable posting any personal thoughts. weird eh since it’s a public blogging site but this is a side blog that i don’t use and no one i know knows about it i don’t feel safe writing anything down on paper because jesse always finds it ..sometimes i want him to, i act like i don’t but i know i do, not even subconciensly i just know. i feel like my life is going in a downwards spiral i feel like i cant trust jesse i feel like hes stopping loving me i’m so fucking paranoid i want to rip my eyes out. i dont want to grow up. i dont want to settle down. i want to be a wunderlust queen. i want adventure and freedom. i dont want to work at a bank, live with my boyfriend and play house. i want to enjoy being 18. sometimes i wish we had never gotten together..its not like i want to break up with him because i feel like if i did it would break both of our hearts. but like if i hadnt gotten so attached to him then life would be different. i would have more money thats for sure A LOT more money i dont even wanna think about how much more money i would have. i defiantly would have had a way crazier university experiance and i probably would be going back next year, it’s not like he’s stopping me but idk it’s hard to explain my thoughts sometimes. i wish i didnt have a wondering mind i wish i want so insane i want to be normal i want to want a traditional life but i just don’t. i’m afraid of getting stuck but i know i already am. i may as well start popping out babies..i want to start writing again i want my life to be better. i just wish i knew how to control things ijsefjghghjak i just so fucking confused right now and why the fuck did jesse change his password and i cant fucking ask him about it without him being like why does that matter bla blalb la WELL IT FUCKING MATTERS BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULD CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD IS BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING HIDING SHIT FROM ME ITS WHY YOU DELTE YOUR MESSAGES YOU BASTARD. i wish i could say all these things to him but in a polite way. i just wish he would tell the truth